Call it PMS, or whatever u want...

Lately I've noticed that many of us are living in a world that teaches us to be different, but yet shows us that in order to be different we must conform and be just like the others. Then again that could be just like my world. It's not like I want to be like the others but the others seem to influence more than I can influence them. It's true that I don't want to influence them because I don't sound too good. My advices are too pushy and controversial. Well I am a christian. If you in the wrong I'm going to tell you. It's ridiculous how people can't seem to talk, I am amazed. I got a feeling even if a life and death situation was to present itself before us, we would not talk just because the silence is so much more supported than the talking. I am obviously not a verbal person, everything that I say is not taken like it should be. I act yet my actions are louder than words, at times I wish they weren't. I can't seem to talk to anybody, lately I've been argumentative. I can't seem to agree so I keep everything to myself, I can't talk to my mother. But partially that's her fault. When I do talk to her she uses everything against me. It's not like I don't trust her. I trust that she will be my mother and that's about it, but other than that...So I had a friend that I use to confide in but lately I realized that there are things that I need to figure out on my own. I don't need those closest to me to know my every worries. It doesn't look good on me. Half the time I don't understand my mother, half of my bad habits I picked up from her. She's not a bad mother, but she's not very encouraging. My sister tells me that she doesn't want to let me go, but that's not the vibe that I'm getting. Lately her words are more focused on getting married, it's kind of scary. I don't like the life that I am living and that is why I love to go away on trips with my church. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true I love to go away just to get away from her. Because when I am away I miss her more, and the relationship gets better. That's what I think anyways...

He likes her

It's so hard someone to talk to without feeling judged. In fact it's so hard to find someone to talk to period. Everyone is so busy working that just talking becomes a moment of silence. We become hypocrites without wanting to. I'm a just be real for a while. I'm tired of speaking like the third person as if my life is perfect or hellish(if that's a word). Look I know this girl, alright and she likes this guy, well I hope she does. This is one of the sweetest girls I know, and I'm not just saying. She's so easy to talk to, but the girl does know how to gossip. Anyways, she has this ability to make everyone around her feel so good. She is always, unless she has her "technical difficulties". But either way, she is a charming young woman with so much to offer. She use to like this one guy, but he never liked her. She was too weird around even after they broke up. I think she knew he never liked her but she didn't want to admit it to herelf. However the guy's brother started liking her after they broke up. She shows interest in him, and I pray she is not misleading him, because he really likes her; the brother that is. Well I used to like that guy, the brother. I backed off when I realized that he ignored me and payed way too much attention to her. Like I wrote before he really likes, even if he denies it. Well the other day, a flood of raging jealousy entered the pits of my guts, when I saw them together. Maybe I do like him still...but it hurts enough knowing that he doesn't like me. We don't even talk as friends. It's partly my fault. But he really likes her, and I can't blame him. He really does like her. I hope he doesn't end up feeling hurt by her. There are rumors going around that she is just using him to get back with the ex. She often gives reasons for people to think that way. But I pray that, that is not the case. He really likes her, and she knows it. He's a big boy, he'll be fine. So while my heart is breaking, and as I now realize the facts from fiction, I know I'll be ok. I'm a big girl. They say true love is when you want nothing but happiness for your loved one. I'm not saying that I love him, but I know right from wrong. Instead of sneaking around looking for trouble, I pray that he finds happiness. Just because he really likes her.

Not ready...

I'm not ready to abide by your rules, because it kills me, who I am, the soul, the voice that makes me distinct from her. I don't giggle and cuss just to fit in. I apply the knowledge that I have gained to make those either smarter or feel dumber. I'm not a snob and yes you can have fun with me it all depends on the way you do it. I'm not perfect, but if you think I am then I am so sweet, so innocent, but beware innocence can be cruel if you mess with it. I don't fall under the stereotypes of those with my status. I achieve the impossible with my God by my side. I don't change to fit your needs, but only my creator's. For His will is my will. I am who I am for my creator, and Him only. I liked, thought I loved, but I knew I did not because love in mine eyes is shared between lovers. I understand why you are attracted to her, she's not innocent, but she is sweet. She is loose with whatever you feel, and I can't blame you for it. But sadly enough I realized the reason behind it all. I'm too innocent for you to have. Besides I'm out of your league(lol). But seriously, it's not happening tonight...I'm not ready for you and I don't think I ever will be.

Just a Girl

At the age of 18 I should be allowed to admit to this world that i am just a girl. i'm not done and i'm not ready to stop growing, there's too much to do, and too little time to do it. I love what I do and the responsibility that I bear, but do not consider me an adult. Adulthood is too complex and complicating, there's too much involved in it. I'm not ready for half the things thrown and all I do is adjust. I see a machine and the best I can is finding how it works. I can link things together in no time, but I am not an adult. I do make my own decisions, but I do need the love and care I didn't understand when I was three. I am not going anywhere and am not turning into an over-crazed loser with no clue about the meaning of life. I am a girl just trying to live as a girl in this crazy so please understand me. I AM NOT DONE GROWING AND I DON'T WANT TO GROW UP. it's just too hard to be an adult, and i'm not ready.

Confessions...

I don't know if I have ever been totally honest with all those around me. If I was I don't think I would regret. I have a confession to make... I didn't think turning would be so life-changing. I thought it was just a number that one turns. The only people who would make a big deal out of it would be the government, but it turns out that I am wrong yet again, in fact it has nothing to do with you anymore. It's all about what Mama says now. If the teenage years were the worst then I guess being 18 is just hell... anyways. Sometimes I dream of falling asleep and no one would wake me, and it would be just be by myself. You know why I love sleeping so much? Because it's the only thing you can do in this world that doesn't require a pill, it's good for you, and it's legal. But in all seriousness, I can go anywhere in my sleep and can't anybody say anything about it. The emotions are real and quite interesting. But one thing it always provides is total peace. The world is at ease and it's the high feeling I can't get enough of. Of course crying never solves anything, neither has laughing to cover up the crying. So what's left for me to do...nothing but what I've always. If I survive this year I should get Best Actress Award. I cry myself to sleep every night, yet every morning I can fake a smile throughout the day. I'm as dumb as donkey, yet I can all the great political that I have the brain of Einstein. Unbelievable huh? My world is out of balance, but my world is so perfect to the untrained eye. How do I do it? I don't even know, I blame God. Who else could let me do all the things I do without getting tired. It's not that I don't feel it, it's just that I'm not allowed to be tired, for there are others more tired with no goals other than to obtain the vanities of this world. Let's not forget education has value, but let's compare education, to sex shall we? Sex life in a marriage is quite important compared to just lame education! And it's not like you wanna be a doctor or anything, just a biochemists improving the works of a doctor. Yeah... but they don't know that. Besides a husband is the ultimate way to be happy. That's why I've been boy-crazy all these. Because of my fear of being alone. Well, I don't care anymore, the guys don't want to look at me, and I don't need them to make me happy. I'm alone anyways so being alone for the rest of my life will not kill me. It's sickening t0 hear the gossipping the negative influence going on in my head, from the one I am supposed to trust. Parents do me one favor, if your kids talk to you about personal stuff, don't use against them. Talking doesn't embarrassment 2 days later. Also stop thinking your kids are just lusting after boys, if they are most likely you influenced her. Please, please remember 18 is just a number, nothing else. They aren't waiting to leave the house, and if they are you've done something. At 18, they are most likely trying to impress, not dismiss you. Parents, please listen when your kids talk to you, they don't need to be judged, and a crush comes around at 20 times a year, so keep up with the latest crushes please!!! Good night.

An Unknown Beginning

It 's kind of awkward, writing this knowing what awaits me... but after today I think I understand the meaning of "falling out of love". It's weird, because you don't know when it happens, in fact you don't even expect it. It just happens, you don't like, or love whatever the status of the relationship may be (in my case it was like very much), but you get the point. I crushed on this guy for almost 2 years and I couldn't understand why I couldn't or wouldn't make up my mind on whether I liked him or not. When I finally realized I like, I realized I liked him a lot. In fact, too much. It was weird because I never felt that way about anybody. In fact, I liked him so much that some nights I would cry myself to sleep begging God, to make him like me too. Then again, at the time I couldn't figure out if he liked me back, or if I was hallucinating, either way it doesn't matter anymore. I reminisce on these events, when my mom would practically bark at me for either liking him or because I made myself too vulnerable to him. Maybe she was right, it sure saved the pleasure of embarrassing myself, but I never knew if he liked me back, or if he was just being himself. Being himself meaning ignoring me, and the only time we'd have a conversation was to insult one another. It was a pretty disfunctional relationship if you'd ask, but I was determined to overthink the entire relationship, to the point we don't even talk anymore. I don't know what happened there, somewhere along the way we stayed away from one another. He started talking, (it almost looked like flirting) to this other girl, and they became friends...it's okay now. But at first I was so mad, it was heartbreaking, but now she's my friend, and if they do hook up I wish them the best. Now, I think I'm beginning to realize that I don't like him anymore, I just wish we could hang out. He is so boring with me, but with them other girls he is so charming, so funny, and so witty. I don't know if I'm the problem, but whatever it is...whatever I think we are both too scared to approach it. We both ignore one another like we don't exist, but I know that in my heart I do notice, and I wait for him to make a move, but he never does. Instead he makes a move on someone else. I kind of envy those girls at times. I wish...I wish he would talk to me...maybe even flirt with me...I wish we could have a conservation without an insult. Sometimes I would compliment him and he would act as if it meant nothing. As if he was brushing off dirt. But if that girl would say it, it meant the world to him. I could never understand that, I basically assumed that either he was nervous around me, or he just hated me with a passion. If anyone has a clue just let me know. But now I realize that I'm not waiting around for his move because it's not coming...not in time for prom anyhow. However there are other men waiting to meet, see me and to be with me. Life is too short to wait around for the possible, when the inevitable occurs. If wonderboy likes me, he should have said something, because if Mario comes out of nowhere and hooks up with me then that's his lost, right?

This is not a Hate Page

I am so sick and tired of homosexual acting like they own the world. If you want respect then respect me. Most of them act like they deserve to be treated like kings and queens of the universe. Well, excuse me it's not like you are not disrespecting my religion. I understand that religion has nothing to do many things, but what i want in life is for my kids to grow up and understand that a mommy and a daddy made them, naturally. I don't want the government brainwashing my kids on marijuana, and marriage. Marriage is sacred and if it wasn't for the church no one in this world would be married. so there is no need for anyone to even try and prove me wrong. And even science proves that there is no way in this entire world that two ppl of the same gender can create and raise a kid, oh yes my friends it has been proven. What are you going to tell the rest of the world when the Canadians all end up having holes in their from smoking weed? At least George Bush can stand up, and make a decision based on the commonwealth of his country, while Canada is busy running away from children without a clue. It's so sad how Canada claims to be so wonderful, and not racist, when their history contains nothing regarding African-Canadians. However they were the ones who abolished slavery first right? Unbelievable, how Canada will back down from a war, but will not back when it comes to killing innocent children with drugs. If the Canadian government really wanted to create peace... then defending its country sounds better than creating its extinction, doesn't it? Why is it that the visible minorities are still feeling rejected, and the homosexuals are given more importance? What is it about being gay in a country like Canada, that is is so much more important than being a refuge from a country like Congo? Even the visible minorities are rejected, and it's so common that everyone just shrugs it off, like it's no big deal.

2 Many Faces for a Girl Like Me

Lovely and pretty is that girl you see
The only one that you dream to be
Intelligent and yet neglected is in
The skin too dark for body within
Anybody can be crazy that boy next door
You know the one eating and screaming for more
If I'm trying something new doesn't mean I'm changing
My life is need of some rearranging

Chorus
Too many faces for a girl like me
Different place calls for different face
Been broken and hurt, and so do not see
The real actress, is just another phase

Wannabe me, but still confused
Learning how to be, yet still living
Attract the false hope, for one so used
Understanding the hope comes with thanksgiving
Why the lies when the truth comes out
Cause then there's a reason why I shout
365 days, 7 days a week
I'm just too loud, to be so meek

Good girls finish last

It never made sense to me when I saw somebody get rewarded for doing something that is basically common sense. If your at church and you know you're supposed to worship, then why not just do it? Why is it so difficult to do the right thing without being ignored? Us good girls, do everything that we're supposed to and that's okay because it's expected. But as soon as an ex-con comes in and does something good, not even something extraordinary, just something that I would do just as a daily routine, they receive the nobel peace prize. It's not fair to us good girls who have been doing for forever to constantly be ignored. In fact, it makes us want to join the wild side, at least we'll be recognized. I don't understand why it's so important for us to set the example when no one is looking. In fact, the only they remember the good in us is when it's gone. I don't promote rebellion, but for the love of God can we please pay attention, and encourage those who have been doing good all their life. They, themselves love to be noticed and appreciated just like everyone else. Instead of babying and pampering all of those who get standing ovation just being good that one time. Most of the time, they end up going back to their old ways anyways. I'm all for encouraging our peers but at the same time let's remember those who were here before the conversion of the hooligans.

Good girls finish last

2 young 4 life

Obviously grade 12is supposed to be the best year of high school. But when u ain't a got a job, skool becomes a stressful situation, and parents are on ur back, then life becomes hell. Life used 2 b so good to me then i turned 18. I am now on welfare, not based on my will, i can't get a date now that i am allowed to date. it's ridiculous how i live. i have a different face for everywhere that i go. i don't even know my real face anymore. maybe i'm exaggerating, but that's how i feel. at church i become happy and helpful, at home i try to be the perfect eldest daughter, but it doesn't seem to work lately, and at skool i am the voice of my high skool. but deep down i wish i could cry and scream , and maybe even beat up a few ppl. i hate my current situation, and i know things will get better, but i don't when. and it frustrates me because my friends have it all and they try to help but they don't know the whole story. it all started when we started letting this kid sleep over. he's not mean or disrespectful towards any of us, but he's a spoiled, rebellious kid without a clue. i can't stand him. besides that no one wants him around, so now everybody's stressed, and i'm getting blamed for every retardedly stupid thing taht happens in my house. now i come to realize taht not only the guy i have a crush on doesn't like me, but he's also a total jerk. i mean it i never knew that until tonight. i can't stand my current situation. now it seems like i won't be able to graduate. i know that God will provide, i just don't konw when, and it bothers me 'cause i wnated the perfect life for so long, and now it looks like there's no more hope, jus faith, and i don't know how long my faith will last. things weren't like this when i was younger; it was easier if u got in trouble u knew y. but now everything is hard, learning becomes my hardest challenge. so i guess i have nothing to do but wait on the Lord, right?

Nothing like it

It's unbelievable how much it can hurt to see some of the greatest people in your life get exactly what they deserve. I mean there is so much that they do in their community and in your life, but as soon as they too much it hurts. Maybe it's jealousy, and it's bad but materialistic wise it doesn't matter, but love wise it tends to matter. Not the fact that you like that person, but just the fact that they got it all. I mean why is it that they get the man, the job, the looks , and the personality and I'm struggling trying to make everything balance.

Nothing is worth...

Why do we run away from what we believe to be the ultimate sin? WE all know we want it, but we look elsewhere and get distracted so easily. Is it worth eternal regret? I don't think so, yet many do. Everyone wants everlasting, neverending passionate love, yet no know one wants to work at it. No one understands the meaning of communication. Back in the day, families had no choice but to communicate because divorce was not an option. Why is it now that we make excuses for our selfishness. To love oneself is to respect oneself and others but to be selfishly, indulged in oneself. There's nothing to lose when it comes to love, unless you have extreme pride. No one understands the word love as much anymore. It saddens me to think that in the year 2020, more than 50% of the population will end up as I did. I don't want my children to grow up without a father, that's just too sad. But if the media, continues to encourage the nation of this world to believe that growing up in a single-parent family is alright, then I fear that my grandchildren will grow up as I did. So then who will take care of the children to come?