An Unknown Beginning

It 's kind of awkward, writing this knowing what awaits me... but after today I think I understand the meaning of "falling out of love". It's weird, because you don't know when it happens, in fact you don't even expect it. It just happens, you don't like, or love whatever the status of the relationship may be (in my case it was like very much), but you get the point. I crushed on this guy for almost 2 years and I couldn't understand why I couldn't or wouldn't make up my mind on whether I liked him or not. When I finally realized I like, I realized I liked him a lot. In fact, too much. It was weird because I never felt that way about anybody. In fact, I liked him so much that some nights I would cry myself to sleep begging God, to make him like me too. Then again, at the time I couldn't figure out if he liked me back, or if I was hallucinating, either way it doesn't matter anymore. I reminisce on these events, when my mom would practically bark at me for either liking him or because I made myself too vulnerable to him. Maybe she was right, it sure saved the pleasure of embarrassing myself, but I never knew if he liked me back, or if he was just being himself. Being himself meaning ignoring me, and the only time we'd have a conversation was to insult one another. It was a pretty disfunctional relationship if you'd ask, but I was determined to overthink the entire relationship, to the point we don't even talk anymore. I don't know what happened there, somewhere along the way we stayed away from one another. He started talking, (it almost looked like flirting) to this other girl, and they became friends...it's okay now. But at first I was so mad, it was heartbreaking, but now she's my friend, and if they do hook up I wish them the best. Now, I think I'm beginning to realize that I don't like him anymore, I just wish we could hang out. He is so boring with me, but with them other girls he is so charming, so funny, and so witty. I don't know if I'm the problem, but whatever it is...whatever I think we are both too scared to approach it. We both ignore one another like we don't exist, but I know that in my heart I do notice, and I wait for him to make a move, but he never does. Instead he makes a move on someone else. I kind of envy those girls at times. I wish...I wish he would talk to me...maybe even flirt with me...I wish we could have a conservation without an insult. Sometimes I would compliment him and he would act as if it meant nothing. As if he was brushing off dirt. But if that girl would say it, it meant the world to him. I could never understand that, I basically assumed that either he was nervous around me, or he just hated me with a passion. If anyone has a clue just let me know. But now I realize that I'm not waiting around for his move because it's not coming...not in time for prom anyhow. However there are other men waiting to meet, see me and to be with me. Life is too short to wait around for the possible, when the inevitable occurs. If wonderboy likes me, he should have said something, because if Mario comes out of nowhere and hooks up with me then that's his lost, right?