Struggle to get up

I wake up every morning determined to make the most of it. I am ready to be used, I am ready to tackle every issue, assured that I am invicible and that I can come out on top. Then it happens. I am forced to undergo the world's toughest critic, myself. I am on the verge of hating my life as it is, but I must be reminded that everything happens for a reason. I am a mess, an old mess. I can where I want to be, but held back by my present. This supposed gift has turned into a disease ripping through my brain. Through I see rain, blood rain just pouring, being wasted day in and day out. Am I being ungrateful, possibly. I just truly disgust my situation. Once again the late-bloomer, but thank God it's only temporary.

Sweet Lullaby

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Put my mind to rest
Restlessly fighting to keep awake
Make life dreams unattainable
Let my heartbeat sing a melody
A classical masterpiece of rest

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Undo the works of the devil's schemes
Let me lie into the night and dream dreams
Unseen, unheard, untouched

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Let my soul wander no more
Heal it from its core
I won't rest to escape

Just sing me a lullaby
Let the fruit of your lips
Intoxicate the very essence of my being
Addicted without a cure
To the wine you produce when you
Sing me a lullaby

I just want to talk

I don`t want to rant or anything, but I just needed to let things out. You know how I get sometimes. I feel like I am missing out on life. I don`t understand why I find myself to be so sheltered. Well it seems like I am. I don`t see the honour in being one of those girls who have not had anyone worth my while come to me...I don`t know. I sound dumb, and I know how feel and it`s contrary to logic. I am 22 years old, dateless and relationshipless is not supposed to happen at my age. I don`t see the pride in that. When I was younger and I heard a that anyone over the age of 18 still never had been kissed it was seen as a diss, and now that it`s happened I feel like I`m never going to that place when things start moving. Why is it that a 16 year old can get a date, and I can`t? That`s not fair. I don`t need something permanent, I don`t even need the relationship, but will anyone notice me? Like really will anyone see as a woman, ready to be complimened, flattered. I want to feel the butterflies at the sight of your figure knowing that for once I`m not the only feeling this way. My goodness, I want to hug someone knowing that my head is on his shoulder and he doesn`t mind, in fact that`s what he wants. I trust him to be support, and he trusts me to let him support me. I want to be able to write love songs based on emotions that I actually feel. Based on experiences that I actually went through. I want to feel loved by his touch and by his words of affirmation. My word is that to hard to ask? I don`t want to desperate because I am not, but I do want to be real, because I am not the only one feeling this way. I do have my standards, and my beliefs. I know who I am, who I am becoming and where I am going. But can I turn to him, the prince charming I`ve been waiting. When is he coming, how much really?

Breathe

I recently started freaking out as the Lord showed me a glimpse of what was to come if I stayed devoted to Him. I can't lie I really liked it, I liked it so much I started freaking out. But problem when I freak out I begin to doubt, because I realize that I get haughty, then I realize that I am filled with pride (through embarrassing situations) then I repent, but then begin to doubt of my abilities, but the thing is that He wouldn't have trusted me with this if it wasn't for me. I must have been qualified somehow, I don't know. But the trick is to just breathe. So far, it's been good, the future isn't here yet, but it will come. When it comes I'll be ready. But for now, I just need to do, like I've always done. Have fun with the gift and give God all the praise.

Sappy Love Songs

Sappy love songs are for me a battle. It only works when it happens in real life. Until then, it`s just a wanted and desired fantasy that we all dream of encountering when the time is right. Of course, we all thinkt that the right is now, if you`re a teen. I blame Disney. But seriously, we all want to fall in love and be blinded by our stupidity, which is influenced by our lack of common sense. We become seriously entranced by the enchantment of this emotions. It`s extremely if you can trust it with all your heart and can become a nightmare if you`re not used to it. This emotion has the power to transform everything about us, from the inside out. Which is, some of us get become a slave to that emotion. We can`t be happy being single, because you can`t fall in love with yourself, unless you are Paris Hilton (jokes!). But seriously, though maybe that`s why sappy love songs are such a hit, because it taps the emotion we truly long for. That perfect, enchanting, blinding love that keeps us living once we have a taste of it. It becomes a necessity.

A Scary Dream

The beauty of being unknown is that I can tell you exactly how I feel without you ever knowing who exactly I`m talking about. Funny, ain`t it? This is like my virtual secret identity, hopefully no one ever finds out who I truly am. This is my secret, you know? For me, and my eyes only. But I got to have to get this out. I had a dream last night, you kissed me and I let you. You chased me and I liked it. I liked it so much I ran away. But everytime you were around I felt so beautiful, loved, wanted all the emotions a girl loves to feel. But problem is that this was a dream. Now I`m awake and the reality is that it`s not supposed to be. I went down that road before, we were younger and it was so horrible. It hurts so much that I can`t go back there anymore. So it`s not like I don`t want it, I can`t have it for my own sanity. The dream was beautiful, too beautiful. Problem is the guy was physiologically you, but it`s not something you would really do. SO your actions don`t really prove to be you. So I most likely dreamt the wrong guy. The face hides the one who truly makes my heart beat. That`s why it`s so scary.

It Feels So Good

If what they say is true
That I possess the beauty they see
The tears of heaven have pierced through
The scars I've hidden deeply
Because every once in awhile
I feel a smile
All throughout this particular moment
My soul is bare and transparent
As if my flaws were apparent
The diamond was formed and fluent
In the language of the confidence
The game of intelligence
Is yet another tackled challenge
Led by the evolution
Through the omnipotence
Of the One who reigns without necessary revolution
Still and powerful in His imminence
Yes if every truth is as positive as this moment
Then truly life should feel this good

Live Life

One life is given to you, you decide how you're going to live it. You decide the mistakes you're going to make. You agree to the contracts you think are bests, and you get out of situations that are not so well-thought out. You decide who's in the driver's seat. You take the advices you think are right or deny them and learn the hard way. Either way it's your life, so why not enjoy it. Many times we are too limited in our own minds to do the impossible. When was the last time you did something without regret? Honestly? When was the last time you did something unpredictable? Do you find yourself scheduling every last minute of the day? Live a little, take day off of work and treat yourself. You don't have to spend money to treat yourself. You can go outside. If it's sunny out and it feels like summer go out and go to the beach. If it's winter out, go out and make a snowman. Hang out with your kids or little siblings, and stop using the excuse 'I don't have time', make the time. Relaxing every once in a while will keep you from an early grave!

Got Less than A Day

I have less than a day, to make things right. If it's not perfect, then I pray that second best is as close to perfection as anything could be close to perfection. I know that this is all about God and none about me, but the fact that I planned this and it's all about to go down this upcoming weekend scares me more than. I pray that everything goes and that it's a packed place, more than anything I want people to be ministered to. If people got converted that would be amazing. I can't help what happens today or tomorrow. The Bible does teach to not stress over the things of tomorrow because it has enough problems of its own, but when control is no longer yours and you are the physical representation of the one accountable it does something to you. I wonder how all my other predecessor got through something like this without losing it. I don't know either way I hope all goes well and that I don't die in the process which seems very likely right now, lol just joking. I do pray that I don't do anything to ruin this night. It is supposed to be my birthday, to be embarrassed on my birthday would make things worst. Next year, I'll just plan a regular party as opposed to an extravagant affair that only lasts one night. I'm not giving up, just not up to doing something that I'm not sure will succeed. Then again my mind may change by Sunday!
For more information on what I am talking about visit www.myspace.com/duchessroyalty

After the Matter is Settled

This blog is more of a letter than anything else. Problem is I don't know who to make the letter out to. Maybe to anonymous boy E, but since he is just another case of hearsay, he probably should be brought in later, of course all this would be based on certain assumption. Maybe it'd be best to start with girl C, since she is just a victim of being the messenger and nothing else. All this unnecessary drama, isn't this a great way to start off the year?
All of this may be confusing, since you don't know what I know, and you have no idea what's going on in my head. It's currently a battlefield between my heart and my mind. In other words, rational and emotional thinking. I've learned to use my head, no matter how hard it is to distinguish the two, just because I get in trouble a whole lot. My problem I know is my lack of knowing when to just shut up. I think I have it under control but it is clearly apparent that I don't. Obviously my obnoxious ways have caught up to me, and I can no longer escape it. I don't know. All I know is that it is almost 5 am and it is very hard to type when you're extremely tired.
I was supposed to vent in this blog, due to an event that truly upsetted me. Just drama created from people who know best (I guess?). I don't know why things turn out the way they do I really don't. But all things work together for good, so I guess I must go along with it. Now this thing got me awake, I was supposed to work on going to sleep early so that when school started I'd be able to get my sleep schedule under control. But it's obviously not the case.
I know how to handle the situation, it's just executing the plan with poise and grace and without killing myself that is the problem. I'm assuming all that is going to happen. I'm create event that may potentially take place, when in fact it may be the total opposite.
I personally know that I have and hold no grudge against anybody involved in this situation. I just hope that when another situation like that arises, the plan to resolve this problem is carried with a bit more class. It's sad that I can't trust those I thought I should. I always knew that but I wanted to deny it. So having it slapped in your face really emphasizes the need to raise your walls on certain occasions, with certain people.
I pray that boy E and girl C, truly believe me when I say that I did not mean to offend them in any way. I was tired and upset and clearly not speaking english and honestly speaking my opinion. I told myself not to express myself, because I have a lack of expressing myself clearly enough or without subtiliy/poise/grace to do or execute properly what is going on in my brain. Not everybody is perfect no matter how hard we try to fool ourselves. Sadly when we are most vulnerable we do the most damage.

A dream

A dream is real until you wake up
Once it's over you get up and realize it was dream
While you're asleep, you create as your mind proceeds
All your wants become needs
All you need is at your feet
The dream can go on, if it is real
But once it's over, you get up and move on

The Walls Come Down

I finally get it. A lot of women belieeve that if she says the first hello then she made the first. Well I'm sorry to say that a simple is not a move. The man does not meet a wife the first time he sees you, unless you are married to someone else. No ladies, the first time he sees you he sees a woman. You could be the ugly woman or the pretty woman. Nevertheless, he sees a woman. Saying hello is not making. Also, making a conversation is not always verbal. I just learnt that tonight. If he's staring at you from across he is conversing with you. I had this happen to me, I did not understand until too little too late. Now he's leaving. That could've been a good relationship. Not only with a great guy, but with a cute. I am so picky when it comes to guys and that is a good thing, but I was overexaggerating. I believe the Lord is teaching me a lesson. The walls must come down. The expectations we set are sometimes us hiding behind the door. Personally I use to set the bar so high, that no one could get through. I'd have to custom-make this dream guy in order for him to be real. There are good guys out there, but most of us ladies make it so hard to meet them we become blind to them. They pass by us everyday wanting to get know us, but we are so immune to them and so attracted to the messed up ones, that that is all we get. We don't attract them, but we are blind to the good ones, so we target the bad ones, because that is all that we see. The walls must come down!

Lost my Focus

Lord please forgive me
I've lost my focus once again
I tried to remain faithful
Smirked at the words coming out of your children
I want to do right, but evil is present with me
I know I have a choice
But temptation sings at me like the choir
During the Sunday service
It sounds good but I know
Yet I still choose to go my way
I try to stand on my own
Forgetting that Lord is my Shepherd
I am not in control of my life
Swayed by the country boy
Carefree in all his ways
Driven by his ambition
Pleasing to the eye I found one
But I don't wnat to be like Eve
In the garden of Eden
seduced by the words of a snake
Cursed with pain due to ignorance
Please save me
Forgive me
Take my hand
Precious Lord
Take me home

Confessions of a Cashier

The first time we met you were rude to me. I had forgotten you, since you weren't my first "bad" customer. When you came back I pretended to have forgotten you, but you made sure that I had remembered you. I did not want us to go back to that previous event, but you made usre that we did. So I decided, unknowingly, to give you a taste of your own medicine. I made sure you felt the embarrassment you made me feel, as if I was insignigficant, and truly in a way you were right, I was. But you need me, more than you think. This is not me justifying myself. THere are just some things I need to get off of my chest. Tomorrow I'm heading to work. Whether or not I get to see you, is unsure. I may not get to see you ever, in a month or in a week. But the truth si from now on when you see me you will have an idea of who I am. Though it is false, I can not blame you for assuming, because I did the same to you. I am sorry for my service. I am sorry , for my behaviour. I am sorry for my tone of voice, though when I apologized my apology was meaningful, though it didn't seem so. I am sorry that we got off on the wrong foot. I am sorry that I assumed, therefore creating a series of event which caused you to think evil of me. I am sorry that you are a part of the minority, which would probably classify me as a rude person. But all I can say at this point is I am sorry. Please come again.

The Place I go

I want a place to go to when I neeed to go unwind. Most use their gifts, most a journal, some just keep it inside. I've come to the place that I can no longer keep anything inside. It's just way too hard. I want to change my way of thinking. I feel like I have to fight every single type of negativity, just to be sane in this world. Everyone says that being yourself is all that you need to survive. Truth is we must all change or conform to certain standards. But why must we also be subject to brainwashing, as a form of conformity. The standards may change but the methods still remain the same. No one want s to believe a lie, but what happens when a lie becomes the truth. Should we continue to conform to the rules of society and be like one of them. Sometimes I just wnat ot worry about myself. I don't wnat to deal with anyone else. So I block everyone else and try to forget them. I don't want to do it, but I seem to do it unconciously. I happen to regress in my treatment, so I call it. I am so sick of being different, being uncomfortable in the open as well as behind closed doors.

Father's Day

This day has always been one of the most difficult days of the year, as I reminisce over the man my biological father should've been instead of the man he is today. Many words come to mind as I desperately need to unleash the emotions in need of being heard, but as I have been raised a lady may not let the world know how she truly feels. Of course, that's why most ladies end up dead before their time, of course that's a lie, and I am joking. Personally, I hate this day. I truly do. This is the one day, that I desperately desire to forget even exist. I hate this day, with an unwanted desire to see it abolished and banned from being practiced. But then again, this is all due to my personal experience. Having to deal with a father with so much baggage and dead weight that he can't even see past himself in order to raise his children. Please fathers take care of your children. I have to depend on another man to show me what a father should do. I hate this day, have I already said? I really do. I do hope that I learn to appreciate this day, so that my future husband would not have to put up with this. As he will be a loving and devoted father, who will put his kids first above all else. Why should a man put a job before his children? Or better yet, sex before his children? But that's my situation not yours, oh that just sounds wrong. It's not in the context that it sounds in. Anyways, before I do have to thank all the fathers, especially the single parent fathers, who take care of all their children. Who take responsibility of all their kids, and acknowledges their presence in their lives. Who puts them first and is not afraid to tell them that he loves them everyday. This day is truly for you, enjoy it. To you, happy Father's Day!

I need Your Help

I know you're calling my name
But I'm feeling so much shame
Don't want to play no games
I need Your help
I know I've done You wrong
I don't want to run
The past is already done
I need Your help


I call You my best friend
I know it's not the end
I want this to be over
I need Your help
Can't deny my own mistakes
Lord I'm about to break
Hear me, here today
I need Your help

Today...

Today is the first day of the Rise Up phenomenon that is sweeping the city of Ottawa Ontario, the nation's capital. If you didn't know now you know. We will be hosting the one and only Dalon Collins. He's from Kirk Franklin and the Family. The concert that will take Ottawa by storm is happening on Saturday, March 31 at the Bronson Center at 7 pm.It's crazy, because the Greater Ottawa Mass Choir will be singing along with him. And one of the song that we will be ministering is a song I always wanted to sing but never got a chance to. So I consider it a blessing that we are able to gather together and minister to host him in our city.But just every Godly event, there's always the last minute details that seems to take precedence over all. We want a good turn out, but like always there are the maybes. The maybes always come when you know the city knows about you but you're not too sure. Especially you have your own stuff to work through. But God is faithful.If you want to know more about this event please visit www.biblewaymin.com or call (613) 820-5558. It'd be a shame for you to miss it.

Butterflies

Funny things with butterflies. They are such beautiful and yet represent so many things. At times we use them to represent the sunshine which comes after the metamorphosises of puberty. But most of the time we use to represent the fluttering we feel and we approach. It's crazy how a thought of you makes me giggle. I can't help myself. I would just smile, at times I'd rather not. But in my subconscious the most simple thing for me to do is to smile and watch you in my mind, my world, in my fantasy. It's crazy ain't it? I always wanted to be a butterfly. Butterflies are so beautiful and they can fly away. But once you appear, butterflies begin to flutter and I can't stop the sweat from the appearing, my heart beats fast and slow all at the same time, and your voice...your voice is an orchestrated gift from God. Your voice sweeps me off of my feet with a simple hello, and as soon as you continue to say other things, it's as if I'd been blessed with chocolate. It is truly a gift. I personally can't resist. My days are filled with bliss as I stand and hear your voice I no longer feel the rain dripping past my shoulders. I all of sudden become blinded from the sound of your laughter, that chases away all dark moments. I no longer am myself, but no I am intoxicated with your smile. That one you flash when you want me in your arms. But I've learnt to keep the butterflies inside. All of these emotions because of the butterflies you've put in me.

I must confess

I must confess before this eats me alive. My conscious won't let me live it down. I am trying my best to cope, but the drug has worn off. I made one of the stupidest mistakes of my life. I got fooled into thinking I could get away with it. And I did for now. I don't even know if this will ever come up. I hope it doesn't; it's bad enough dealing with this myself, let alone have someone come down on me. I can lie my way out, but the guilt and the shame would return. This alone makes me feel somewhat better. I am truly sorry, and I know that what I have will not seriously harm my partner but I did mess up either. For that I truly do apologize.