When you Stopped

when you stopped fitting the qualification
OF the prince charming you were to be
I realized my heart had been through a dislocation
OF mind and body within me

I didn't realized how apart we were
I could not see but then again I didn't care
Because once you stopped fitting the qualification
A change caused my heart to take on a new education

My problem is

I see the way you look at me
The way you are hypnotized by my hips
As they move from side to side
It's like a pendulum putting you under my control
I know my behind is like a drumroll
It's own marching bands
It has you hooked with your eyes
I have right there where I want
But here lies the problem
I am not my hips and behind
I am more since these are a part of me
I love the fact that I'm noticed
I hate the way you notice me
I am not a lady of the night
I am constantly judged
I wear the right clothes and still am not enough
I can go on about what I do, but it's what you do that hurts
You can change where your eyes focus
I just want to know that I can trust you

Getaway

Have you ever felt the need to get away? I mean really, not just a vacation but to just get away from it all. I thought I finally got away from it all, but then it came back. Just as hard as it came the first time. I thought I'd be a lot more careful the second time. But naw, I just fell into the same trap. Problem is , the emotions are the same but the problem is not. I hate it when I can't fix the issue. then it resonate within me, like a bouncing ball in a closed room. It probably doesn't make any sense to a lot of people out there. I just want to cry, I'm so angry. I'm not even upset anymore. I'm at that stage where I'm ready to react. But I can't. My mouth is kept shut. Yet again, I stand invisible. I hear everything. Like the walls around me I have ears. But like the walls around me I have no voice. YOu think those around you would treat you like an adult. They instantly forget that you get hurt, by their actions. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportions. I can not believe I'm back to where I started....well...not totally. For that I am grateful. I just didn't want the pain to return.

Children Under the System

There is a new system
The new generation has experienced it
Young girls are repeatedly being told
That the beauty within is worth less than dignity
Young men are constantly being reminded
That a man doesn't need to work for pleasure
The lie that daddy told us the day he left
The actions back up the words
Of a lie so treacherous
It brings tragedy to all infected
If spotted early enough
Then treatment can begin
Chemotherapy takes effect
Depression becomes your friend
Until Jesus decides to come through
Children under the system
Do not believe this lie
It is a cancer to your soul
To make you lose your soul
In the process of gaining control
Of a system we must break

Undiscovered

If someone would have told me that I would be as happy/content(depending on the day) as I am right now about five years ago I probably would have called them a liar. I feel so much better about everything. I am passing my classes I see the results of my work. I know and feel the good coming through. I don't know. It's a good feeling. Of course like everyone I have my ups and downs. I do feel lonely at times. A lot of the time. Not necessarily lonely, more like incomplete. Somethings always missing. It keeps it from making it perfect. Whatever 'it' may be. Maybe me, or life either way it is not complete. But now I love fashion and I'm not afraid to explore me. I look and I like. I experiment in the lab and the result turn out like they are supposed to. I dress according to my own will. I follow my own rules. I am a leader in my own right. I choose to do right and live by my code of honour. I live my life without regret. I stick to my promises. I am not perfect. I strive to be perfect for me. I live for me and everyone likes that. I haven't reached my full potential. When I do my potential will be in motion. Therefore kinetics will take place and things will happen. I am not done, I have just started. I get up everyday with a purpose and a goal. I stand not defeated but challenged. I may struggle at times, but that's when the lessons are taught best. I see things that most may shrug off, I take pride in what I wear. I wear the most fashionable things, never outdated and willing to bring joy and life where there's death. I am a hopeless romantic who is afraid to love. I want to love, I want to feel secure in your arms. But it's just so comfortable to love. I have just begun to love me. When I 'm ready I'll love you fully and faithfully. If you can't wait then I'll push you away like I do the rest. But understand that I want you to take me away on a journey. Dance with me in the Castle of Versailles, better bring me on a cruise towards sunset on the Santa Maria. I do want to feel the bond that kept Juliet after Romeo until death, but understand that a discovery must be made when one is ready to face the challenge of the unexpected. Currently I am still exploring the land of my soul and I love what I'm seeing. Maybe it's because I finally see what you are seeing. Once this land has been discovered, I'll discover yours. Just be patient with me, there's a whole lot of me that has been hidden. There's so dust on the boxes, and the treasure is yet to be found. But I've got the map, incomplete yet finished with every step that I make. It may take me a week, a month, a year, a decade but trust me once this land has been explored from border to border my love will be ready for you. Fight to keep me, kill to love me and I will be yours until death do us part.

Mislead

You walked in a room
A flower bloom
Newly seen, newly converted
Visions unexplained
Secrets revealed
You saw for yourself
Still you don't believe
I had hoped and dreamt
But I did my part
I came up with a brand new idea
Hoping restlessly like a young gazelle
The reality is the reality seen
Yet again I was mislead

Random Story

Lexi and Marcus were best friends from high school. The friendship was unlike any other but good enough for the both of them. THey were both in tune with each other. Nothing was out of order and everything made sense. But lately Lexi began to change. She became more confident. She was able to bloom and become the lady she wanted to be. She was happier. Now she didn't realize the effect she was having on Marcus, if she had any, but lately things are becoming to be more stranger everyday. The movements done are weird. THe comments said are very unique even for him. HE had always been one of kind, but lately he was just pushing. At the end of the day Lexi just wanted for him to just go away. On the days he wasn't around she had peace. But it wasn't like she didn't like him as a friend. She didn't want to lose him as a friend. But he saw her as a girlfriend. Someone she couldn't be for him. It wasn't like that for her, but in his mind he saw an oportunity. Everyday he spent with her, was a chance to get close to her. Every moment he laid awake, was another moment spent daydreaming about her. He couldn't be the man of her dreams, but he dared to dream.

Should I

Should I consider the effects
Of a lie foretold
Should I bother asking
OF the gifts you hold
Should I continue loathing
IN the poison of my sin
Should I dread in darkness
when my light shine brightless

IF I am who I say I am
Why is my mouth shut
If I'm not afraid
Why am I isolated

Should I be drunk in my own misery
Should I be content with the failures of today
Should I reconcile with the forgotten past
Should I settle for less than last

Am I statue that I should stared at and adored
Am I a goddess worthy of allure
Am I a human, flesh, blood, organs
Am I an emotional baggage left uncared for

Should I dwell in the midst of my adversary
Should I wait in the route of death
Should I lie at the bottom of the ocean
Should I jump off the mountain peaks

My soul is crying for a chance to speak
My soul needs to be confirmed to Jesus, sweet Jesus
My soul wants to be resurrected
My soul shouts for someone to hear
OF the unspoken tragedies of conviction

poetry

Here are some of my poetry. I hope you like it.

Help me Forget
Forgive my sin
As I unleashThe monster within
The virgin unseen
Forget my transgressions
The path is lonely
Filled with beauty
Without mentions
The pain surpasses
All obstacles
Of extremes crisis
Unfair trials
Heavenly Father
Divine in thy glory
Don't let me further
Mourn in my story
Sandy Marie-Laures Tropnas
Copyright ©2006 Sandy Marie Tropnas


One crazy lie
At dawn I fought my sleep
I dreamt yet again
Nothing pulled in quite as deep
As the fire of your love and my pain
See when the ocean spoke
Your fingers brushed my sides
I felt your stomach turn inside out
As your gaze never left my body
No one knows but me
Of this one crazy lie
That a girl insignificant as m
eCould be attractive
To a guy so wonderfully beautiful quite like you
Sandy Tropnas
Copyright ©2006 Sandy Marie Tropnas

Man

I need a man, to confirm that I am his woman
I need a man, to provide me some satisfaction
I need a man, to affirm my status
I need a man, to give me affection
I need a man, to hug me when I need him
I need a man, to be soothe my cravings
I need a man, to respond when I want him
I need a man, to caress me with his attention
I need a man, to pursue me completely
I need a man, to put the 'man' in 'woman'
I need a man, to be by my side no matter what
I need a man, to protect me
I need a man, to provide for me
I need a man, to let me be his one and only
I need a man, to let me love him
I need a man, to challenge me yet support me
I need a man, to be my drug for I am addicted
To the man, that I need

Thinking of A Melody

Knowing me I'd probably be in France right now. Imagine me in Paris. Of course, many people think " OH Paris". Well I can speak french, so I'd be all right in France. But just to think that I'd probably be swept away by some tall french, good-looking who desires me. He'd speak with that wonderful accent of his, as I struggle to find my words and myself he'd lean in and steal a kiss off of my lips. OF course, that's foolish talk or foolish dream whatever you want to call it. Either way it's a nice thought. Romantic kind of. Maybe I've been watching too many romance movies, either way I don't read them. But anyways, I may sound love-crazy but at the same time if I don't keep myself with the wishful thinking that someone out there is looking for me, I'd probably be depressed. I know that there are lots of girls who feel the same way. I didn't date because I wasn't allowed I was just being the good kid, but now that I am it seems like no one realizes that I'm in the market. I don't know I've been told that men love a woman who's indepent and confident, men have told me this. It makes me think maybe I'm not as independent and as confident as I thought. But then again, only I know where I stand in my confidence. I make my own money I have a job, go to school and handle church like my business, maybe I'm stretching the truth a bit, but you get the point. I make friends easily but I can't seem to keep them. I get bored of them. Maybe it's best I don't have a relationship I'd probably get bored of them to.

Me

I am a mix of things, emotions, attitudes and thoughts. I do not watn to be anaive girl. So I tend to question everything presented to me. Unless I trust the other individual entirely then...I guess I trust them totally. I guess that's why I love to debate everything I am presented with. I don't I am opionated no I am not, I'm just ambition. Ambition from my own truth. THe Heavenly divine type. I made up my mind a long time ago to be my own person. I intend to stick it out even though I am constantly faced with different opinions. I am a very ambitious woman. I got a feeling my husband would love me for that. It can be an attractive side for a woman. It's kind of sexy. Well I think. i don't know though I've let people get the best of me. I didn't even realize it though. I was raised in ... it doesn't even matter. At the end of the day I will be my own person. I love where though. In all state of my life I think I'm getting better at controlling my surroundings. Besides I am the queen of my universe. Right now Jesus is my King.

I will survive

No i'm not talking about the Patty LaBelle song that has been used and abused so many times. No, i'm talking about life in general. So far as the school year is coming to an end for me , i now know just gets as complicated as we make it. If we trouble ourselves with the little things then we become obsessed with the little things and we forget the goals we set for ourselves. I know that 90% of the time if I feel like there's something wrong there are many others who feel that same way. I understand that like a caterpillar I metaphorphosize but I don't think that the metaphorphosis ever cease. We continually evolve to be either better or worst than we once were. It's like the girl who's bored of her boyfriend what does she do, she dumps him and gets a new guy. Like majority of us, we get bored and we find something new to do. It's called a metaphorphosis. We have grown out of our shell and start something. It's scary at times and all the while exciting. We don't stop for no one as we continue our adventure. WE rest nowhere until we reach our goal. THat's where i'm at, and if you're there too don't stop exploring wherever you are brought. At every stop there is a lesson to be learnt. So grow, learn and live.

Be the First To Know

Be the first to know that I'm looking for love
I don't need diamond rings, blings-blings and fake things
I don't want a playa, a hustla or a nigga
I'm black and I'm proud but treat me like a hoochie
I'm not baby mamma so think I'm a fluzie
I like to pretend i'm bougie
Don't be fooled by the attitude see

I love my body, breast, booty and curves in between
I like to leave all to the imagination, to see what you dream
It's all about me and that's okay really
Cause i'm tall like a tree
I'm strong like a lioness
In my beautiness
I handle with finess
You can call me blessed

Do this when you see me
I Know you feelin' me like i feel you
I'm all grown up and i'm all ready
Come talk to me I won't be rude
Even if you come up short
It's okay I'll take it from there

Who would've thought

A while ago I felt inferior to this girl because she had all the guys turning heads, sadly enough she got hurt. Nevertheless I didn't start talking to her because she got hurt by the guy I used to like (it was one big mistake), no, I started talking to her because I had enough. This past weekend I went to Youth Winter Fellowship in Toronto. We had a blast. Somewhere in the mix I felt comfortable with all the girls, there was no catfights and none of that she said he said mess. I cleared up some things with God and myself. I understood me more, and while I am continuing on this journey of life I am also learning to lean more on my mother than others. I realized that even though I am not all that she has she is all that I have. I am who I am, despite of how I feel. Feelings are feelings they come and they go. I need to accept me to accept life. Right now as relationship scare me to death I trust God to provide me with all that I need. I am not so tightgripped on life anymore. I feel light and free from stress. All I need to focus on is on school. Boys and men are hard to differentiate especially now. So many guys try to act like something they are not especially in the church. You don't know anymore who's really a christian and who really is not. It's hard. I'm sure there are guys out there who are saying the same thing. But as a female one can't help but feel threatened by everything. So the competition is over. This thing that girls embark on to make themselves feel better really needs to stop. I was on my way to depression and low self-esteem. Out of all people me?! I'm the over-confident one who takes crap from nobody. Well everyone's got a weak spot right? Even the strongest can fall. When they fall they fall hard. So who would've thought that I'd be speaking to that girl, huh? I never really did. you know what i like the fact that people come up to me and let me know what's going on. I like the fact that I can trusted with personal issues. I love the fact that sometimes you do reap what you sow. Even if sowing is harder than reaping.

I'm writing you a letter

girl says:
I'm writing a letter/It's probably the last one/Most likely the last one/That I'm writing to you/ I'm writing a letter/ It's probably the last one/ definitely the last one/ that will say i love you

I'm tired of the fight/ that give me bad dreams in the night/ I'm sick of guessing/ if this cursed blessing/is still messing/ while i need to be resting/ in the afternoon delight/ There is no wrong nor right/ and it gives me a fright/ so i'll be leaving/ in the morning light/ cuz i'm high on emotions/that pain me to see/ the height at which we arrived/ so painfully so truthfully

cuz i love you/no matter what was said/ you're forgiven please forgive me/ but i can't be with you/ if i'm untrue to you/ you're a dream come reality/ a fantasy gone wrong/ and i'm not doing right/ if i'm not being right/ i need to go/ let me go/ so you can be happy baby

boy says:
I'm writing a letter/ fighting just to keep you/ desperate just to keep you/ yes i'm writing to you/ I'm writing a letter/ fighting just to love you/ desperate to love you/ cuz i'm in love with you

I'm sick of all the fight/ that go on past midnight/ I'm tired of pretending that everything's alright/ i want to rest with you/ past noon with delight/ or look at the stars and glistening moon/ so darling don't leave/ I'm upset and so are you/ but I'm begging pushing all pride aside/ i want you and i need you/ the way you want me too/you complete me fully

cuz i love you/I'm not playing games/ I'm standing right here/ Don't you think i hear what they say/ how they talk when they gossip/ like we ain't gonna make it/i'm your man you're my woman/ that's right so please hear my words/ the melody of my soul pouring into your heart/ as a tear from my eye touches the pit of your soul