I want what I don't want

Understanding that throughout high school, most of my friends dated. They had relationships and with those relationships came emotional distractions. Unlike guys, girls do not tend to heal easy, unless their hormones all of sudden got back to normal. Unlike most girls my age, I did not date. I was not allowed and I did not defy the rules of my mother. I don't regret listening to her, it was one of the best things I could've ever done for myself. However I must admit most nights I did want to be those girls, learning the good, the bad and the ugly in a relationship. But I was the girl who was brutally honest, if the dude was a dog, I told them to kick them out life. I was brutally honest when it came to relationships. I did not understand them, I just saw a neutral angle on truth. However when one is emotional the truth has a new angle, and the view is a lot different. Anyways, most of these people end up dating from time. Everytime one knew why I didn't date, they actually encouraged to stay without a boyfriend. They told me that I was doing myself a favour. I now truly believe them. Back then I didn't and couldn't understand why they advise against this, since they themselves had relationships, but now that I'm older I understand it. I am an eighteen year old girl speaking to all those who haven't had a boyfriend yet, high school is high school whether or not you have a boyfriend. I am a virgin, and I have never been kissed. I've longed for the lips of another to brush mine, tasting the aroma of another scent as his body is pressed against mine. Yes, I admit that I am human after all, I have fantasized about it. I now understand that whether or not I get asked out by the boy/man of the hour I still remain myself. I am a proud virgin who desires to remain a virgin until the night has come for two bodies to become one, the night will be sacred and blessed with God's golden touch of bliss. Behind closed doors, I have begun to learn to understand who I am and not just know who I am. I am beginning to love the skin I am in at all times. I begin a new step in life, and I think I have just begung to grow up.

What is raw?

If raw is an emotion I would call it basic. Raw should bring us to the most basic element of life. NOt the existence of it for it would simply be too complex for the human mind to grasp. I like discovering what the symbolism to raw. Many like to relate it to sex. But that can not be so. For the process to sex involves an emotion. Any emotion for that matter is too complex for it to be fully understood. For example if love was a reason for sex, than that emotion would involve too much thinking. FOr sometimes out of love, one is forced before they are ready into it. By the way, no one can really get ready for something they have not experienced. YOu can only get prepared for it, but getting ready does not really quite qualify it. Back to the original topic, raw can not relate to love. Love should be one of the most basic fundamentals of most emotions and it is fundamental do not get me wrong, it just is not basic. Humans have taken love and turned into an over exaggerated sensation felt by another. Love can be classified into many different categorized into many study cases. Many therapists and psychologists will explain and convince many that love is just another emotion resulting in some chemical affect in our brain. If that is the case then love can not be considered raw. Raw is like carbon before being cut and turned into a diamond. Sex is not raw, for it is an action brought on by an emotion of lust. Lust another cubic zirconia for love. Lust itself is a disappointing form of love. Lust is not raw, it's just a façade for the emotions we tend to hide by accident.

Dating...

Dating is like a wave a people coming your way. You don't wave will hurt you, but all you understand is the basics. Using the basics you can play the game so that you don't get hurt. But on the other hand not knowing the complexities of the game you may end up drowning. It's such a complex area of life in my case, because I was not allowed to date like most kids my age. Like the good daughter that I am I obeyed. But now that I have the oportunity to date I don't even know if I want to date. It's weird because I always looked forward to that time in my life when I would be able to date, and I longed for it with a passion at times, but now that it's here I don't think I want that priviledge. In fact I don't know whether to call it a priviledge, because then it could turn out to be an unnecessary burden. It's crazy I don't know where to stand on that issue. People look at me and wonder why I haven't had a date yet, and I guess deep down it's because I don't want one. I'm afraid of getting hurt. Too many friends of mine have gotten hurt. It hurts enough to just want to be with a person that doesn't like you, imagine the pain of being cheated on. I don't understand why most people would trust their emotions with someone they don't know. No one truly knows anyone for that matter. But I guess, on the other hand how can I trust anyone if I don't let them, right? It's my own personal problem, I guess. I don't get attached to anyone, I don't call my friends unless I have to and I don't go shopping unless I have to. It's my way of staying safe. No one can hurt if they don't know me, right? Maybe...I just don't want to be the victim of pity party. I don't want to end up going home, and crying over something I could've prevented. Maybe it's not good for me...maybe it is. I've been doing for a while now and it's been working. But sometimes, I just wish I had someone I was really close. I don't mean Jesus, I mean someone human, that I could talk to and hear their voice talk back. Sometimes I wish that person was of the oposite sex, so that we could sometimes become more than friends. Someone that I would trust my very essence to. Than I remember no human is perfect. We are all able to hurt, destroy and break a person, even if we do it by accident, right?