I'm done...

I'm not even mad at you. I'm just so sad. So sad, so hurt. I don't feel betrayed anymore no matter what I've said to them. No matter how big the smile I wear. It's just there like zirconia on gold plates. I'm not even angry just sad. Sad that this is what you see. This is how you feel, despite my attempt to make it clear. Apparently somehow throughout it all, you received a package I never sent you. Unfortunately, you believed what you saw and left me in the dark putting the piece all together. I thought and I assumed. But I was wrong. So now I'm sad. So sad, that it makes me sick with love. I want you and all of you. But you heard the opposite. I missed you so much it's slowly killing me, but you see the opposite. Being with you is just as toxic as being without. I don't know if you feel that. You won't talk to me. You have said all that there is to say and these walls that are there, I know, they are just temporary but still it hurts and it makes me sad. So now that I've exhausted all paths of mental escape. I will sleep today away to keep my heart from breaking further. Hopefully nursing my wounds well enough to wake up with a genuine smile on my face. Hopeful yet again...because tomorrow is a new day.

Struggle to get up

I wake up every morning determined to make the most of it. I am ready to be used, I am ready to tackle every issue, assured that I am invicible and that I can come out on top. Then it happens. I am forced to undergo the world's toughest critic, myself. I am on the verge of hating my life as it is, but I must be reminded that everything happens for a reason. I am a mess, an old mess. I can where I want to be, but held back by my present. This supposed gift has turned into a disease ripping through my brain. Through I see rain, blood rain just pouring, being wasted day in and day out. Am I being ungrateful, possibly. I just truly disgust my situation. Once again the late-bloomer, but thank God it's only temporary.

Sweet Lullaby

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Put my mind to rest
Restlessly fighting to keep awake
Make life dreams unattainable
Let my heartbeat sing a melody
A classical masterpiece of rest

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Undo the works of the devil's schemes
Let me lie into the night and dream dreams
Unseen, unheard, untouched

Sing me a lullaby, a sweet lullaby
Let my soul wander no more
Heal it from its core
I won't rest to escape

Just sing me a lullaby
Let the fruit of your lips
Intoxicate the very essence of my being
Addicted without a cure
To the wine you produce when you
Sing me a lullaby

I just want to talk

I don`t want to rant or anything, but I just needed to let things out. You know how I get sometimes. I feel like I am missing out on life. I don`t understand why I find myself to be so sheltered. Well it seems like I am. I don`t see the honour in being one of those girls who have not had anyone worth my while come to me...I don`t know. I sound dumb, and I know how feel and it`s contrary to logic. I am 22 years old, dateless and relationshipless is not supposed to happen at my age. I don`t see the pride in that. When I was younger and I heard a that anyone over the age of 18 still never had been kissed it was seen as a diss, and now that it`s happened I feel like I`m never going to that place when things start moving. Why is it that a 16 year old can get a date, and I can`t? That`s not fair. I don`t need something permanent, I don`t even need the relationship, but will anyone notice me? Like really will anyone see as a woman, ready to be complimened, flattered. I want to feel the butterflies at the sight of your figure knowing that for once I`m not the only feeling this way. My goodness, I want to hug someone knowing that my head is on his shoulder and he doesn`t mind, in fact that`s what he wants. I trust him to be support, and he trusts me to let him support me. I want to be able to write love songs based on emotions that I actually feel. Based on experiences that I actually went through. I want to feel loved by his touch and by his words of affirmation. My word is that to hard to ask? I don`t want to desperate because I am not, but I do want to be real, because I am not the only one feeling this way. I do have my standards, and my beliefs. I know who I am, who I am becoming and where I am going. But can I turn to him, the prince charming I`ve been waiting. When is he coming, how much really?

Breathe

I recently started freaking out as the Lord showed me a glimpse of what was to come if I stayed devoted to Him. I can't lie I really liked it, I liked it so much I started freaking out. But problem when I freak out I begin to doubt, because I realize that I get haughty, then I realize that I am filled with pride (through embarrassing situations) then I repent, but then begin to doubt of my abilities, but the thing is that He wouldn't have trusted me with this if it wasn't for me. I must have been qualified somehow, I don't know. But the trick is to just breathe. So far, it's been good, the future isn't here yet, but it will come. When it comes I'll be ready. But for now, I just need to do, like I've always done. Have fun with the gift and give God all the praise.